TALK WITH THAT ALMIGHTY (II)

When I heard this news I didn't know what was right or what was wrong for me, tears were rolling from my eyes and I didn’t realize that I was crying. I didn't know what was next in store for me. I left everything to HIM. And I wondered whether HE existed or not.

I had many questions running in my mind- about HIM. I started questioning everything around me, the existence of everything. I started questioning HIM. 

They say 'Everything is written'. If it's like this then didn't the author know what to write and what not to.

Ae Khuda! Kaash tu bol sakta, kam se kam tujhe teri zubaan ka vaasta to de sakte!

It was a night before the surgery and lying on the hospital bed my nervousness was at its highest point.

That moment when the anxiety is at its peak.
When the belief in HIM is over, still uttering HIS name, hoping that HE still exists listening somewhere.
When so sleepy that because of sleepiness not able to sleep.
That moment when trying to find hope within hope.

When somewhere I started questioning HIS existence I read this line in a book by Gurcharan Das-

"If you believe in God,and He turns out to exist, then you have obviously made a good decision;however, if He does not exist, and you still believe in Him,you haven't lost anything; but if you don't believe in Him and He does exist, then you are in serious trouble."

This line kept me pondering for a long time.

I was quite happy in my life- a well settled job, nice family, nice friends, I was enjoying life. When I felt that I have got my life, I can live on my own terms now, my life took this turn, a U-turn. A turn on which I didn't know how to walk, totally new, totally unexpected. It was the path of which the destination was uncertain and the journey still remains after reaching the destination also.

I wonder now whether to despise Him or thank Him. He has taken a lot from me but at the same time has  given a lot too. There is pain, a pain which I can never forget, but the happiness too, happiness of finding true family and friends. There is constant fear, a fear of future but the courage too of facing all odds in life now. There are questions of which I am still trying to find the answers, but the solutions too of many problems now.

Talking to HIM, hating HIM and still praying HIM was like meditation for me. 

I prayed YOU

I praised YOU

I thanked YOU

 

Now I abhor YOU

I loathe YOU

I blame YOU

 

But bear with me

Because still in the end

I call YOU.

It might be psychological but uttering HIS name used to give me strength, it used to lessen my pain.