FEAR! (XV)

All this while I was under an expression that nothing has changed and life is same as before, until I went out yesterday. We four friends planned to watch India-Pakistan cricket match at Sports Bar. The resto-bar was little far from my place. I reached home from office at around 6 and I had to reach the Sports Bar at 7. Initially I was little apprehensive to go, I don't know why, may be because of tiredness after office or may be the fear- the fear of going alone and coming back alone. It has never happened to me before. Earlier I was as fearless as a child, without caring about anything. But now I get afraid of little things and get hurt by small matters. My heart starts pounding if I have to cross the road alone or if am walking alone, my eyes become wet if somebody says a small thing to me, I easily get hurt.

The things have changed in many ways. I have to think 10 times before doing anything- what am I drinking, what am I eating, where am I sitting. Yesterday we didn't get space to sit in Sports Bar and we were looking out for other restaurants and because of me we have to change two restaurants as they were claustrophobic and smoky. 

As I had the car my friend told me to drop her at her place which was little out of the way from my house. But I had to refuse her as I was not confident in dropping her and going back alone to my house. It was just 10.30 at night and I was feeling afraid. Earlier even at 2 at night I was lionhearted.  

The reason behind this may be the protective environment which I have got in the last year- protective environment from doctors, family and friends. It was like I have just stepped out from my cocoon into the outside world and that's why I am afraid. But I hope and I surely know that soon I will overcome this fear and would be daring and spirited as before.

THE FIRST TRIP! (XIV)

I planned a trip to Jaipur (Rajasthan), the first trip after my treatment got over. The feeling attached to this trip can't be described in words. Its been two months since my treatment, and this road trip made me to forget everything and helped me to regain my confidence. Beautiful, colourful, majestic, royal- words are less to describe this pink city.

The six hours journey from Delhi to Jaipur, black smart car, highway, 80 km/h, clear sky, shining sun, breakfast at a dhaba and our discussions - everything was awesome about this journey. We stayed at MI (Mirza Ismail) road, the heart of the city. It took us a while to find a good reasonable hotel and ultimately we stayed at Hotel Natraj. A decent elegant hotel with all the facilities and nice service, it was fun staying at this place. 

The city is known for its forts- Amer fort, Hawa Mahal, City Palace, Albert Hall, Jal mahal.

Amer Fort

Hawa Mahal

As it was the festive season, Holi, the city was full of colours. We visited temples also to see the popularity of Lord Krishna at this festive season. People were clapping and singing bhajans in praise of Lord Krishna. The scene was divine. 

After getting down from auto for Albert Hall  (a museum having all the historical things) my friend stop at a tapri (a small shop) to have jaljeera. The sight caught my attention. There was a small kid selling this awesome jaljeera and neembu paani (lemon water). He was working with full enthusiasm. He was too small that he had to stand on a stool. When asked, he told that he was in fifth standard.  Probably after school he must be coming to sell jaljeera there.The sight kept me pondering for a while and made me think that my life is so comfortable and easy.

  

It was a three days trip, a trip full of peace, fun and laughter. While returning back from Jaipur, we witnessed a peaceful sight. On one side the sun was setting and on the other side the full moon has started showing it presence. A thought flashed in my mind:

If in life sun is setting on one side, don't be afraid as somewhere on other side the moon has already started reflecting the light.  

It was indeed a memorable trip.

ME MYSELF! (XIII)

Today I went to the hospital after a month for my port flushing. I entered that place and the past came flashing towards me. The nine months which I had spent there were in front of my eyes. Suddenly I had that feel of an achievement, the feel of the open air and a little water in my eyes.   

In morning when I was leaving the house, I remembered the face of a girl (must be of my age, around 26-27) whom I saw in the hospital in the month of June. Bald and beautiful, wearing a kurta, with long earrings, sipping a coffee, smile on her face and she was carrying an amazing aura. Whenever I was dejected and helpless I used to memorise her face. That gave me strength. She became an inspiration for me. I decided to be the same for others. So rather than wearing my loose pyjamas and a wig, I put on my black leggings and my favourite mehroon woollen kurta with the kajal on eyes. I decided not to wear wig or any scarf or hat. Smiling as always, I entered the hospital and I could feel people looking at me with admiration. I was feeling good about myself.