All this while I was under an expression that nothing has changed and life is same as before, until I went out yesterday. We four friends planned to watch India-Pakistan cricket match at Sports Bar. The resto-bar was little far from my place. I reached home from office at around 6 and I had to reach the Sports Bar at 7. Initially I was little apprehensive to go, I don't know why, may be because of tiredness after office or may be the fear- the fear of going alone and coming back alone. It has never happened to me before. Earlier I was as fearless as a child, without caring about anything. But now I get afraid of little things and get hurt by small matters. My heart starts pounding if I have to cross the road alone or if am walking alone, my eyes become wet if somebody says a small thing to me, I easily get hurt.
The things have changed in many ways. I have to think 10 times before doing anything- what am I drinking, what am I eating, where am I sitting. Yesterday we didn't get space to sit in Sports Bar and we were looking out for other restaurants and because of me we have to change two restaurants as they were claustrophobic and smoky.
As I had the car my friend told me to drop her at her place which was little out of the way from my house. But I had to refuse her as I was not confident in dropping her and going back alone to my house. It was just 10.30 at night and I was feeling afraid. Earlier even at 2 at night I was lionhearted.
The reason behind this may be the protective environment which I have got in the last year- protective environment from doctors, family and friends. It was like I have just stepped out from my cocoon into the outside world and that's why I am afraid. But I hope and I surely know that soon I will overcome this fear and would be daring and spirited as before.
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