A PERFECT DATE! (X)

Morning dew, cool breeze and the soothing warm sunlight, greenery all around, fort walls, reflection of sky and trees in the lake- giving a perfect blend of colours, ducks, deer, peacocks and peahens, parrots, rabbits- this is how I would describe my today's outing at Hauz Khas Village and Deer Park. I never knew before that such a place existed in Delhi. All the worries just vanished and I felt as if I was in some different world- a complete world with no further demands or aspirations. A beautiful, perfect date with nature. 

A few pics taken from mobile:

MY TRESSES (IX)

I started losing my hair after the second cycle of chemotherapy, and eventually the eyebrows and the eyelashes. The day my hair started shedding I cried a lot. It was really horrifying when I combed my hair and I got a bunch in my hand. My heartbeat almost stopped for a second. Everyday shedding of hair was quite irritating and my doctor suggested me to get my head shaved (it was the good suggestion). Shedding of eyebrows and eyelashes was a slow process and I probably lost all after the fifth cycle. Loss of eyelashes is little painful for the eyes with persistent irritation.

In due time I realised that being without hair is quite comfortable (except for the beauty part). There is no tension of washing, combing, setting and always dandruff free. Just wear the hat and I am ready for any outing. I have got various caps and hats, separate for summers and winters and of various colours- black, blue, sea blue, red and a wig too for special outings (though the wig is little irritating). With my long little face my family say that without hair I look like a new born baby.

I often used to joke around in my home regarding my baldness. One day our whole family was sitting together, chit-chatting. My brother always used to caress my head. That day I suddenly shouted at him and said " saare baal kharab kar diye" (you have spoilt my hair). For a second he became scared, rather everybody became scared and then the whole house burst into laughter.

On another day I created havoc in my home regarding my hair straightener and my mother in a haste, leaving all her work started looking for the same. I was smiling inside. While looking for the same in my closets my mother realised it and gave me a smirk and went again in kitchen.

Christmas outing at Hauz Khas village, all four of us, me at extreme left with my wig on.

      

TODAY IS MY DAY! (VIII)

Today is the happiest day of my life (ok.. its a little bit exaggerated but still I am very happy today). After almost 6 months I had tea today and to my amazement it tasted good. :-) I am very fond of tea and my mornings always used to start with a cup of hot tea alongwith butter-toast or parantha. But with chemotherapy, my taste buds changed and I was not able to have it. I used to feel as if something really important was missing from my life. I actually thought that the day when I would be able to have my brew with the same butter-toast, on that day I would say that I have recovered. 

NEW DISCOVERIES (VII)

It is said that "Pain changes people". I don't know whether I have changed or not but I have learnt a lot and the list of what all I have learnt is endless-  how to play, how to read, how to write, how to love, how to cry, how to laugh, how to Live.   

- I developed the special love for games- Ludo, Monopoly, Age of Empires, Sudoku, Wordament and the list goes on. I lived my childhood again with these games.  We used to have competitions amongst ourselves and friends, at my home. Fighting for colours in ludo, connecting laptops through LAN for Age of empires, speed rounds for Sudoku and wordament and bets on Monopoly and poker, special soup, tea and coffee breaks in between and the whole day used to pass like an hour. I realised that age is no bar for doing anything.

“Childhood”- we say childhood is the best time of our life. But I wonder that why we realize it when we have become adults. When I was a child I always wanted to be a grown-up and lead the life the way I want to. And now I am an adult I want to go back to my childhood. And I think when I will be old I want to go back to my 20s. I feel each stage of life is pleasant. It’s about LIVING.

- Books became my best friends- they have no expectations and no demands (as rightly said). They are the best way to pass the time and they provide insight into so many things. I cried with them, laughed with them , loved with them and travelled with them. 

• "It's not about how to achieve your dreams. It's about how to lead your life."-The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. This book and his last lecture video actually led me to tears. This book was one of the best gifts I had ever got.

• There was something in this book “I Am another You by Priya Kumar”. Something to learn in every chapter, in every page, in every paragraph and in every sentence. The miracles or coincidences (I am not sure) which I had gone through reading this book, left me spellbound.

• 'It all comes down to who's by your side ' - A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks. I think I cried more while reading this book than while watching the movie!

• "Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you 're alive,it isn't. " - Richard Bach, Illusions.

With every book there was a story attached, with every book I learnt something.

- 

And there is still,

so much to hear (music)

so much to experience (this world)

so much to write (feelings)

so much to study (theories)

so much to know, understand, love (people)

And there is still so much to do!!!

I realised that life is too short and there is still so much I can do, so much I want to do.  There is never an end. Life is too short to cry on little things. Everything is planned. And everything is written. What is bound to happen, happens. There is no need of long future planning. What is important is to remain happy in present and just plan the near future to achieve that target of happiness. 

We were born without a reason

We live without a reason

And one day we’ll die without a reason

So better to remain happy without a reason! 

CONSTANT INTERNAL CONVERSATION (VI)

Solitude and loneliness

The thin line of difference

I never found a companion more compatible than solitude

And never found a stranger more antithetical than loneliness

Solitude is pleasure and loneliness the pain

In solitude I try to find myself and in loneliness the others

Finally I understood the difference

Enjoying solitude

Trying to know myself, spending quality time with myself!

Though I was surrounded by my family and friends, but I was always with a constant internal conversation with myself. There were times when I wanted to be alone, away from everyone, just to be with me, to share my thoughts with myself, to cry my heart out. Just cry without any sympathy, without any console and without any advices. And in that time I used to pen down my thoughts, my feelings in poetry. That was my solace. 

(I)

Here I cry and weep

In corner, away from everyone

With no one to listen

And here I laugh,

Louder and louder

So everyone could hear.

(II)

And I want to scream

Shout to this world

What I am going through

Want to tell everyone my plight

Let everyone listen

And laugh at me

And suffer with me

And share my agony

 

And I want to scream

Shout to this world

Cry for help

That I want to come out of this

Help me! Help me! Help me!

And share my suffering.

Instead of holding back my tears I gave myself permission to cry. 

MY BIRTHDAY! (V)

The clock struck midnight and my birthday started- 31st August 2013. At that time my radiotherapy got over and chemo had not yet started. My elder sister, Mansi and younger bro-sis, twins- Madhur and Vani made me dressed well, with my favourite orange tank top and blue parallels on (it was 11.30 at night and I was all dressing up :-) ). I knew something was going on in their minds.  I was sitting downstairs in the living room and at 12 they told me to go to my room.  At that time I understood that there was some surprise in store for me. But to my amazement there was series of surprises. 

I entered the room, all lights were switched off, in one corner there was my favourite chocolate cake with candles on it, shining and sparkling and in another corner a beautiful earthenware lamp shade emitting the soothing yellow orange light. The room was looking divine. It was almost after 7 years that we all were together (as in my whole family together otherwise someone used to be out of station always) on my birthday. I cut the cake and had chocolate facial also ;-). 

The surprise did not end there. There was this whole treasure hunt game for gifts.  A game in which I had to find hidden gifts by means of a series of clues. First clue to find the gift and after finding one more clue to guess the gift. In case I guessed wrong I was not allowed to open the gift. In total there were 15 gifts and all my best ones- the ones which  I needed (novels, kajal, nail paints etc) and the ones which describe me  the best (a smiley cushion, my favourite brand of shampoo, even the toothbrush and a toy truck to show my insanity and love for driving) . We all slept at 5 in morning that day.  I had an amazing time.

The next morning I was deep asleep (as we all slept at 5 that day) and my phone and the house door bell started ringing continuously:

Still rubbing my eyes

I got up from deep sleep

My phone buzzing and the doorbell ringing continuously
I opened the door in haste
Wondering who was it
There was he, the courier guy
My eyes were then widely opened
He handed over those roses,
Beautiful, still covered in dew,
Pink and white roses
And the cake,
Covered in chocolate and pineapple cream,
I jumped on my toes and
Was about to hug that courier guy 

After that night surprises, this was the icing on the cake. This another surprise from my friend Anurag made my morning (I need a separate page to write about him which will follow soon).  

In the night we all four siblings went out to party at Tryst Music Cafe in Saket. I had a gala time. I was very happy and high on life.

Sometimes you get so high in life that even a virgin mary hits you! ;-)

This was the best birthday I ever had.

 

A FEW FUNNY AND EMOTIONAL ANECDOTES (IV)

Who is the patient?

Suffering from this disease, but I was hale and hearty as any other person. Rather the previous day before my doctor gave this news I attended the office as any other normal working day. In fact one month before this I also gave my dance performance. At that time though little pain was there I never thought in my dreams that I was carrying something like this in my leg.     

Well, it was the day of my surgery. I went to the reception at the "booking counter" to book my room. There was this young smart lady, newly married ( I guessed from the red and white bangles which she was wearing). I asked her about the room details, room fare etc.  and told her to book a room. She took out a form and a booking register from the drawer. As she was doing something on her computer (which I couldn't see, probably filling the details) she asked me my name and age. I thought that the formalities were over and she would hand over the room keys to me now. She then asked me the name and age of the patient and my relation to him. I just laughed and told her that the patient was me. For 5 seconds she was in shock, and then she smiled at me and wrote “self” in the relation column and handed over the keys of the room to me. 

Contentment

My radio therapy sessions were going on and I used to go to the hospital directly from my office (yes I resumed office after 1 and a half month of surgery). As I could not drive during that time my driver used to pick and drop me. That day while coming back from hospital he told me that he was going on leave. Frankly, I never used to like him as he was always so rude and loud. But when I asked him the reason for his leave, a shine came in his eyes. His voice became soft and polite and his words enthusiastic. He told me that he was going to Allahabad to collect holy water and then he would walk till Varanasi, some 115 kms to pour that water on holy Shivling. He does this every year. With his countryside accent it was little difficult for me to decipher everything, but he was engrossed in his own words speaking continuously and in between, at red lights, he used to turn behind and give me a smile. And then he said 'Nancy tumhe bhi jana chahiye. Mummy ko bhi bolna jaane ke liye.' (Nancy you should also go there. Tell this to your mom also) He then told that he was also planning to go to Kashmir to take a leisure trip. I just kept sitting, listening him, mesmerized by his faith, commitment and his simple, complete  and content life.

Emotions

Everyday I had to go to the hospital for the radiotherapy sessions and there were strict instructions from the doctor to reach atleast 1 hour before the session time. It was during this one hour waiting of everyday that I realised that though that place, the hospital  was considered as depressing but one could actually see and feel love there, one could actually feel the true emotions, the actual affection and care for beloveds. It was just one day before when I was thinking about  that Sikh couple who everyday bring their son/daughter,I was still not able to decipher,to hospital. He was a small cute child of probably 6-7 years. The child always had a smile on his face and keep hugging his dad. The bonding which was seen between the couple during this time was unimaginable.

And then that day there was a man-thin, bald, mask on his face, bandage in his hand sitting on wheel chair. His wife (probably), simple lady, seemed tired, with water in her eyes, was pressing his head continuously,caressing him, standing behind him. The sight was so touching that I had to control the water from flowing out of my eyes.

FRIENDS - THE BEST GIFT (III)

Friends!!!

Many definitions grew.

Almost all are true.

But “a friend in need is a friend indeed”

Is actually the one to which I accede.

Think a lot about it

N sometimes get dejected.

But “har friend zaruri hota hai” is the other

Which is just antithetical n makes me little comfortable!

But in the end still feel,

at the time of pain only a true friend heals!

Friendship is the best gift ever given to humankind, but it's hard to find a true friend. I think I have been truly bestowed with this wonderful gift and wonderful friends. This journey made me realised the true value of friendship. I wouldn't have been able to pass this test without the support of my friends. And I think that I can write endlessly on this. It was the love of my family and friends which kept me moving during this time. I think the number of chocolates and ice creams I had eaten during this time, I have not eaten that in my whole life previously- all thanks to my friends. :-) The number of gifts I had got during this time is more than the total number of gifts I had got on all my birthdays. :-)  sharing some of the gifts here!! 

Beautiful lord ganesh!!

A moving custom made crystal with my picture on it

Lord Ganesh to bestow his blessings on me!!

But the most precious gift given by them was spending their valuable time with me. Time just used to fly with them. I have realised that one should invest time on people,  love people. It’s them who make you happy, fulfill your wishes and in case not fulfilled cry with you.  I realised that I was surrounded by all good people. Continuous phone calls, wats app chats, facebook chats, messaging used to divert my mind from the pain which I was going through.  

It was 9th June 2013, I got the shock of my life when my best friend Shiny came all the way from Mumbai just to meet me. I couldn't believe my eyes and couldn't believe that she came, just for me. I knew that our friendship was really strong. But never knew that it has grown so strong. I was on bed rest at that time. I had such good time with her that I was almost sitting and dancing. We had the same chit chat, college gossips, discussing guys, same chi chi-pi pi. After that whenever she had time or had some meeting in Delhi she always used to meet me whether I am in hospital or at home, even if it was just for 10 minutes.

I always used to feel that friends are important may be just to have fun or for time pass. But I realized that friends are not only important, they are essential, especially the friends which I have got. I think I have found a treasure by having them. They were able to bring tears in my eyes, tears of happiness. Whenever they were with me I actually used to forgot my ailment , as if everything was normal.  I really want to thank that almighty (I almost lost trust in him but with them it was regained) that he has bestowed me with such great friends. 

I cried my heart out.

But from one eye there were rolling the tears of sorrow.

Sorrow because of the pain, the pain which i could see, the pain which i could feel.

And from other eye the tears of happiness.

Happiness because of the love, the love which i could see, the love which i could feel, the love which was showered on me.

TALK WITH THAT ALMIGHTY (II)

When I heard this news I didn't know what was right or what was wrong for me, tears were rolling from my eyes and I didn’t realize that I was crying. I didn't know what was next in store for me. I left everything to HIM. And I wondered whether HE existed or not.

I had many questions running in my mind- about HIM. I started questioning everything around me, the existence of everything. I started questioning HIM. 

They say 'Everything is written'. If it's like this then didn't the author know what to write and what not to.

Ae Khuda! Kaash tu bol sakta, kam se kam tujhe teri zubaan ka vaasta to de sakte!

It was a night before the surgery and lying on the hospital bed my nervousness was at its highest point.

That moment when the anxiety is at its peak.
When the belief in HIM is over, still uttering HIS name, hoping that HE still exists listening somewhere.
When so sleepy that because of sleepiness not able to sleep.
That moment when trying to find hope within hope.

When somewhere I started questioning HIS existence I read this line in a book by Gurcharan Das-

"If you believe in God,and He turns out to exist, then you have obviously made a good decision;however, if He does not exist, and you still believe in Him,you haven't lost anything; but if you don't believe in Him and He does exist, then you are in serious trouble."

This line kept me pondering for a long time.

I was quite happy in my life- a well settled job, nice family, nice friends, I was enjoying life. When I felt that I have got my life, I can live on my own terms now, my life took this turn, a U-turn. A turn on which I didn't know how to walk, totally new, totally unexpected. It was the path of which the destination was uncertain and the journey still remains after reaching the destination also.

I wonder now whether to despise Him or thank Him. He has taken a lot from me but at the same time has  given a lot too. There is pain, a pain which I can never forget, but the happiness too, happiness of finding true family and friends. There is constant fear, a fear of future but the courage too of facing all odds in life now. There are questions of which I am still trying to find the answers, but the solutions too of many problems now.

Talking to HIM, hating HIM and still praying HIM was like meditation for me. 

I prayed YOU

I praised YOU

I thanked YOU

 

Now I abhor YOU

I loathe YOU

I blame YOU

 

But bear with me

Because still in the end

I call YOU.

It might be psychological but uttering HIS name used to give me strength, it used to lessen my pain.

REBIRTH (I)

It was 15 May 2013, when a flash came in my mind that I am still alive. I think you realize that you are alive when you are about to die, when you start getting indications that you don’t have much time now.  The time- to fulfil your dreams, to complete your duties, to love, the time to Live. That day I realised that I am suffering from synovial sarcoma in leg, a form of cancer. The moment I heard this word "cancer" there was a rush of thoughts in my mind. The first thing I heard was "death" instead of "cancer". But believe me, both are not the same thing. Rather today, when I have completed my treatment, I think it has given me a new life, new thinking, new mindset, new way of leading life. I am reborn today.